Falling

So, something has happened and it kind of affects my whole life. I only learned about it last Friday, and basically... it changes everything and might result in me coming home 6 months early. Yeah… it’s kind of a huge deal. I guess I can start from the very beginning.

Before I get into it, if you’re reading this in the form of an email, I highly recommend clicking my name at the top and reading this post straight from the blog. It’s just nicer to look at that way and solves some issues that have been coming up with formatting. Thanks.

Two and a half months ago I arrived in Colombia. At that time there was a rough idea of what would happen in the future. It was everyone’s general understanding that after the twins turned 18 in February 2019, they would come live with my family in the states and study there. It helped make financial issues simple, because I’m taken care of for 10 months and the two of them are taken care of for however many months they would stay.  I knew that I would be on my own for four or so months after they left, but it was the best way for things to work out. Two and a half months ago, I had a secure plan for my excursion in Colombia, and Alejandra had a boyfriend of several weeks. This detail is pretty important to the story.

Fast forward a month, and it’s become generally clear that Carolina isn’t interested in staying in the states, but would rather travel there in February for vacation, and come back with me a couple weeks later whereas Andrea stays to study. She had plans for university, and wanted to stay here in Colombia. This was totally fine with me, because it meant I wouldn’t be here alone. This plan sounded better to me than the original anyways, so I was all on board. One night we come home from Jazz class, and we hear the news that Alejandra is engaged. It was a big surprise for everyone, they’d only been dating for a couple months. I was relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one who thought they were rushing it big time, but it was mutually agreed that they’re free to do what they want with their lives and it’s not our place to tell them otherwise. I feel it’s important to mention that Camila, the oldest daughter, had just gotten married in July. Two weddings in the family in less that a year wasn’t anticipated by anyone. Alejandra and Fernando (her fiance) planned on getting married in January, and there would be a huge party with bridesmaid dresses, dinner, the whole chabang. I was really excited. 

We now travel to several weeks ago near the end of October. After discussing it for a while, Alejandra and Fernando decide that they would rather use the wedding money for more permanent things, like a home and basic necessities, instead of a reception party. They are both quite young, and neither have much money to their names. He’s been living alone in Bogota for a while, working and studying, but Alejandra has stayed home for her studies. I really can’t blame them for the decision. I know it was a decent sum of money because I’ve seen all the videos from Camila’s wedding, and I can confidently say it was not a cheap event. Alejandra is supposedly receiving the same amount, so to spend it on useful things was actually a smart move. I was pretty disappointed about the cancellation of the party, but once again, not my place to say otherwise. Now that they didn’t have a huge event to plan, it didn’t really matter when the wedding was. They were first discussing moving the wedding to some time in November, so that they could get an apartment in Cota that was about to be available, before it was taken by somebody else. A few days later they decided it was too expensive to live so far away from school and work, so they began looking for a place in Bogota. They still wanted to get married sooner though, so they began discussing any weekend between then and the end of the year that would work. December 22nd, (my birthday in case ya didn’t know) was up for serious discussion for a minute there. Of course, I didn’t tell them it was my birthday when they brought the date up. I didn’t want to be that one person that stopped them from using the one weekend that worked for them because I was too petty to share my  big day with theirs. I wasn’t in love with the idea of them getting married the 22nd, but I could just celebrate my birthday another day. Honestly, I’m used to it (what with it being so close to Christmas) and was willing to go along with whatever. In the end they decided against it, because it was so close to Christmas, and eventually settled on November 24th--about a month after being engaged and three months of knowing each other. Hey, nothing against them, I’m all for love and marriage and all that great stuff. All I’m saying is that it was really rushed, and this is what happens when a young Mormon couple couple in love wants to do the dirty and the only thing stopping them is marriage. It shouldn’t be a huge surprise that they check that off as soon as they can. 

…Just saying.

Now we move forward to a week ago, and I hear that Andrea isn’t as interested to study in the US as everyone thought. She decides she wants to study in Bogota like her twin sister, which honestly made me kind of sad. I was really excited for her to switch spots with me in a sense, and experience the reverse version of what I had been living through all these months. In the end, it would be all right though. On the bright side, I would for sure get my own room after I moved back home, and I could still show them a bit of my other life when they travelled to Utah with me in February, right? Wrong. Because they were financing two weddings so close together, their family couldn’t afford to send them to the US on top of paying for university. I was a little crushed inside. I was so looking forward to sharing that huge part of my life with them. I had grown so close to these girls, and I had entered their lives and experienced what they knew as home. I wanted to do the same for them and let them experience my home in Utah; something that is such a major part of me and my life. I wanted them to see and understand that other half of me, and now they couldn’t. 

We now get to the part you’ve all been waiting for. It’s Friday, November 9, and my dad calls as I’m eating my lunch. The parents were out on an errand, and the girls were watching TV in the living room, so I was free to bear the news alone. Tania and Andres had called my parents earlier that day, and told them what my dad was now telling me. With the twins attending University and the other two daughters living in there, it was decided best that they move the whole family to Bogota. Kind of a big deal, huh? Come January, we were all moving to to the capital of Colombia. It all sounds fine and dandy to me, but there’s a catch: I can’t go with them. There were lots of reasons why, but basically it boils down to me having nothing to do without my classes, and it being too dangerous in the big city for my light skin and blue eyes. The twins would be gone at school all day, and I would be all alone, stuck in an apartment without anything to do and anyone to talk to. They figured it was best for me not to live with them anymore after they move, and I had to agree. Now, this is all a huge change for everyone, but what happens to me? In the end, I really only have two options. Because I can only stay in the country for 180 days with my current visa, I have to leave by February 28th regardless. Option 1 would be to go to the states, stay there for a couple weeks, and come back to live with a new family. Tania and Andres offered to look for a family in Cota that would take me, so I could continue my classes and stay with the ward. Option 2 would be to go to the states in January, and stay there for good. I would finish the school year at Provo High, and basically go back to my old life before all of this. Obviously, option number one is my first choice, but there’s the chance that no one here will or can take me and I’ll be forced to go home six months early. Imagine one of your neighbors asking if their foreign exchange student could live with you and your family for six months because they decided to move out of town and therefore can’t host her any longer. It’s no small request. Despite how badly I want to stay, there’s a decent chance I can’t.

I first remember feeling shocked. As I took in all this news, it slowly sank in how soon this could all end. You know how in the movies when a character hears some shocking news, the camera gets a blurry and it starts spinning and looking all dizzy? I felt that for the first time in my life. As I was still processing, I sat there on the couch completely still. I knew I wasn’t moving, and yet my legs felt like they were floating in the air and my head felt like it was rocking back and forth. It was the strangest thing, but I finally understood what people meant by “could've been knocked down by a feather.” I realized there was a chance that even after all the things I had done to get here, my goal of living abroad for the full school year still might not happen. I was so devastated. I was so sure that I had finally found somewhere I could stay for good. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would go home early, and yet here I was with that prospect staring me straight in the face. It’s like I had been climbing the sturdiest ladder I could make for myself, giving me the confidence that I would never fall, and someone came along very suddenly and kicked the it out from under me. That ladder was built to help me reach my (nearly lifetime) goal of Spanish fluency, and after being so close to the top, suddenly I was falling--my hands grasping for any rung to stop me from crashing to the ground. I still don’t know if I’ll catch that rung, it’s now out of my control. If I can live with a new family, I’ll be set back a few paces but eventually I’ll continue climbing until I reach the top. If not, maybe I’ll just have to build a new ladder another time in my life. That’s one of the things that worries me most; I still don’t know what will happen. I guess I had gotten so used to the idea that I was going home in seven months. Now, it might be cut down to 1 ½, and I’m nowhere near ready for that. It hit me out of nowhere, and it didn’t take me long to start looking for a reason to justify my distress. “We had a plan, the plan was good, why did you have to change it? Please, stop. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Why can’t we just go back to the plan? It was so perfect, no, this isn’t supposed to happen. The plan…why did you have to change the plan...” 

I so wanted to find someone to blame, but I couldn’t deny the fact that it just happened, and to no fault of anyone. It was really easy to want to blame it on Alejandra and Fernando. Because of their wedding (which no one saw coming), the family couldn’t afford to pay for these things that had been planned on months prior. But I knew I couldn’t pretend like it’s their fault. The wedding was a result of a young couple in love. They weren’t trying to stop the twins from going on vacation, or move the family to Bogota. Maybe it was Andrea’s fault for changing her mind about moving to the states, but no. She was just doing what was right for her. I can’t blame the parents for moving either. They just want to to what’s best to keep their family close, and I am not permanent enough in their lives to change that. I understand why they’re doing this. In the end, I know that there is no one to blame. I just have to accept that, and move on. 

Now we come to the present. The date is November 16th, and I still don’t know how to feel. Everything is still up in the air, and I’ve processed it for almost a week now. Nobody quite knows what will happen, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best. I keep trying to look at the bright side, and it helps me stay positive. For example, I won’t have to live with their dog anymore. Yeah, he’s cute, but not enough to cancel out how annoying he is. It’s the little things that keep me optimistic. 

I’m still waiting for God to jump out from behind the curtain and reveal this as a blessing in disguise, with a shower of confetti to the face. I know that it will all work out according to what He has planned for me, but right now it’s not easy to see it as anything other than a major blow to the head. It knocked me out pretty bad. Regardless, I will not let it stop me from progressing from where I am now. I’m using this as an opportunity to rededicate myself to learning Spanish. If I really only have a month and a half left, I want to be as fluent as humanly possible by the end of it. You hear about those people who learn a whole language starting from nothing in two months. I’ve already been here longer than that, and can understand basically everything with my speaking abilities not far behind. I feel positive that if I really commit myself to it, I can make it happen. That approach hasn’t let me down yet. Stay chévere everyone, and always do your best at what you do and work your hardest for what you want. If you really want it bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen. I hope.